You and Me & Chasing Little G

#WifeTalkWednesday: Infertility Sucks

Wife Talk WednesdaySabra GilbertComment

So I've written before on #WifeTalkWednesday about how it sucks when people are invasive on your baby making plans, but I'm here to spill my guts about ours and mostly what fueled the previous article anyway.

When you've been married for over two years like Simeon and I have, people are constantly asking you when little baby Gilbert is going to come along. Which I was fine with when it started since I was hopeful that we would be announcing soon anyway. But then a few months went by, and then it was a year, and now Simeon and I are about to stare two years of infertility in the face.

That's right. Simeon and I have wanted a baby since about 5 months into our marriage. And here we are. Human baby-less,

If I'm going to be completely honest, I'm pretty sure that's why I've struggled to write on this blog in so long. Because the number one thing that I want to talk about, doesn't exist yet. I am dying to be a mommy blogger. Not a puppy mommy blogger (sorry Fox!) but a human mommy blogger. I also couldn't share this crazy bit of life truth until recently, when I really decided that it needed to be something I discussed openly and dealt with instead of just keeping it in and dealing with it personally.

Simeon isn't a big share-er person when it comes to such personal things. And he really didn't want me talking to anyone about our struggles for the longest time. Because HELLO baby making is INSANELY personal! And I don't blame him. But I suck at keeping things a secret. Especially secrets that really upset me to begin with. So we talked about me talking about it here and with those who didn't know that this was a struggle we had yet. And after a few discussions we figured it was something that was best for me. 

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Anyway, now that we have the whole backstory of why i'm coming out with this now, lets get back to the meat of the post/ Infertility sucking.

Infertility sucks. . .

because your are begging for a child. You see all the babies around you, in the blogging world and real. And you want it like crazy. To be a mother and wake up in the middle of the night with my baby. To be pregnant and feel those crazy kicks from inside of you. To dress up my baby in all the adorable outfits that I've put on my baby registry. (yes, I totally have a registry started, more on that later.)

Infertility sucks. . . 

because you become so ridiculously jealous of your friends who bring babies into this world. And when they make jokes that you don't want this in your life yet, it shatters your heart. You soak in the baby photos and all the funny little stories about how having a newborn sucks. And you wish they were your's instead. Then you feel like a horrible person for wishing that the roles were different. That you had a happy little accident on your hip instead of watching him on someone elses.  

Infertility sucks. . .

because you can no longer trust your own body. There have been so many times that I was so sure that I was pregnant. But I'm pretty sure that my excitement to be pregnant, I gave myself the symptoms that I was most begging for.  But for that, my own body has disappointed me so many different times. Even when i was telling myself there was no way I could be pregnant, I would still hold just a pinch of faith that maybe I was wrong. Maybe my body figured it's own nonsense out and had somehow ended up pregnant even though it wouldn't have worked.

Infertility sucks. . .

because it isn't the diagnosis. It's a symptom of something else being wrong. So far, none of my doctors has figured it out yet. But they also haven't spent much time trying to figure it out. So far, I've gotten a lot of "you're young, it can't be anything too serious. Here try this simple thing and your period will magically appear again." And it does. For a month and then disappears again. Which if you are trying to make a baby it is insanely important that your body cycle predictably. But whatever.

Infertility sucks . . .

because it shakes your faith in the one who rules your life.  It's easy to cast blame on someone who won't look you directly look you in the eye and tell you that you're full of it.  It's easy to avoid the messages that he could be trying to get to you otherwise. Avoid the bible. Stop looking at the faith inspirational instagrams that you love. Avoid the extremely strong in their faith infertility bloggers that you love. Ignore every prompting that is God begging you to come back to him and believe in his timing. Which is true. I do. One of my deepest sins is in believing that I can do what God can't. That I can will myself to be pregnant on my timing instead of waiting for God to bless me with a child. I stomp around like having a child is a right and not a privilege that God gifts.